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DCDon--11 minutes

Me [79M] and one of my boys that I thought I was pretty close with went on an Alaska boys trip last week for a day and at first it was a little awkward b/c we hadn’t seen each other in a while and there’s been some drama (TL;DR he invaded a country and I’m sending weapons to his enemy) but mostly we get along and I was looking forward to this time to talk and maybe have some good convos. But basically he told me in no uncertain terms that he’s not okay with the way our friendship went down and he’s worried I don’t have his back. But he also got vulnerable with me (no homo) and let me know that he’d like to, like, un-invade this one country but needs to have something. “I gotta have a W in there somewhere bro” is basically how he put it. And I want to help him but I’m still hurting a little from the drama from before. Question: do I help him and just turn the page or should I deliver the L and maybe lose him as a friend? For background: I don’t have a lot of friends at his level and I enjoyed our hangs.
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ManlyFriend--4 minutes

First off, good for you for being honest with your bro b/c it’s one of the things that gets in the way of bro-bro friendship so, yeah, good on ya. Second, I think you think that you’re the one who can deliver a W or an L to the dude when from what you said about the invasion deal he’s the one who is delivering the L to himself, so I think you need to let yourself off the hook. Thing is, in my research of deep male friendships (no homo) there’s always one guy who is the pleaser and one who is the demander and it seems like you have decided to be the pleaser. My advice for you is to look around at the other bros in your world and really assess which ones might be more nurturing and supportive (totally zero homo) for what you need b/c friendship isn’t about Ws and Ls. Peace.

GoodandVlad--1 day

Me (M72 super fit) and a sometime bro (M79 majorly out of shape) took a boys’ trip together to Alaska a while ago and the energy was off from the get go. In the first place, my bro is older and crazy fat so he’s heaving and huffing the whole time we’re together and mind you, it was mostly just us hanging, not even a 5k or anything. But whatever. I keep getting this weird vibe from him that he wants me to say a certain thing and that when I don’t he gets quiet like I did something wrong. For background: I am in the middle of a war and I think my friend wants to be more of a part of it than he is. Also: he likes me a lot more than I like him. (No homo but, like, obviously we’ve both thought about it.) He keeps calling and texting and I don’t know what to do. He says he thinks we had an “amazing time” and I’m like, meh.
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PickleBallBrad--22 hours

The best advice I can give you is to be honest with your friend and let him know that his obsession and neediness makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s a manipulative pattern that some toxic friends get into and it’s unfair to make you have to decipher what he wants from your times together. Especially since you are as you say in the middle of a war which I’m guessing from your overall tone is not going well? Let him know that you have boundaries and that what you really want during this stressful time is simple support. “Can you simply hold space for me?” is a great way to open up a discussion. And as you suggested is the undercurrent here, if the exchange goes to a physical dimension, remember that consent must be verbal and can be rescinded at any time. You say your friend is heavy and so probably has body issues so gentleness is key here. Cheers!